My house is crumbling. The plaster has been chiselled and drilled off the walls so that now I can see the bricks. I do not enjoy this sensation. It needs doing, apparently we have damp, which, I genuinely don't understand. What's a damp? What does it do? Why do I need to pay hundreds of pounds to have a very nice man strip the plaster off my walls and cover my entire house in dust? It's everywhere. Every inch of me feels itchy and dry and every inch of the house needs dusting, hoovering, washing or just plain throwing out.
I'd hoped this would be an adventure, but right now, where our battered TV usually stands, there's a gaping hole. Exposed brick work never was my thing, and now it feels as if I'm staring into the bowels of my house, the house doesn't like it and I don't like it.
Last week the plumber came to look at our horrid boiler. Our horrid boiler only pumps out hot water if you turn everything up to 9, like some sort of rock and roll diva it demands you heat the entire house if you want to do the washing up, so we need a new one.
The boiler man looked at the boiler and then proceeded to rip up floor boards. He clearly explained things to me about pipes and suction pumps, and flushing the system and all I was thinking was;
"Those are my floorboards" and stare as a dirty great hole appeared in my kitchen.
"Why are my floorboards doing that?" I wondered in, what I can only presume was a state of shock.
"It's the man, he's tearing up my lovely floorboards." I then knocked over an ironing board and scared the dog.
I agreed to all sorts that day. He wants to put a thermostat in every room. I just want to never see that my house is built on a great stinking pile of rubbishy bricks. I like to imagine that my house is a solid little machine, ticking over happily, but instead, I've seen that under it's floors are rubbish and pipes that look so rickety I don't trust water or gas anymore. I've looked into a great gap between walls and I've pulled out a piece of newspaper from my bedroom wall that was acting in place of mortar.
It's making this week difficult to deal with, I'm going to do lots of drawing and pretend my house is clean and whole and then, hopefully without me noticing, my dusty house, broken from however many decades of living will transform into a house will be mine and will work and be a place to be happy.
Well, that's what I'll hope.