Have you seen the irritating advert for the new irritating Sarah Jessica Parker film? She mentions that at 2 am she goes through 'the list' in her head? It's irritating because it's such a generic thing that everyone does that it's barely even observational. But here I am, with the list rolling through my head.
I wrote a massive list whilst I was in a lecture the other day (I'm committed, I just love lists too much) and now I've lost the damn thing. And I don't think I did it accidentally. I think I did it in the same way I sometimes 'accidentally' sleep late or 'accidentally' forget I'm on a diet. If I really wanted too, I could find it. But I don't want to look at it, it's too huge and scary.
We went through the brief for our final major project the other day. It's a map of what the next 8-9 months look like. When it was over someone said 'Ooh, Lily, you've got some greys' I'm 22 people! And I'm pretty sure I didn't have grey hair at the beginning of that lecture, but knowing how much work I'm going to have to churn out hurts. Physically, hurts.
More than that, I like to do well. I'm not a perfectionist, but I'm an only child and I used to be in amateur dramatics, I like praise. And knowing how much work there is made me have a minor panic attack. I just felt like I couldn't do it. I cracked a whole bunch of jokes to try and hide it but denying that I'm freaking out about writing a dissertation whilst getting technical notes done and organising a degree show and trip to New Designers, well, the air began to feel like treacle and the lecturers started to look at me like I was turning blue.
Then I made my list. Because order can spring unexpectedly from chaos, mountains can turn to mole hills at the swipe of a pen and I felt better. University is tough, and I'd forgotten. I have a blast with all the amazing people who inspire me so it's easy to miss that there's often huge piles of work that keep you awake at night.
I'm talking to a bunch of second years on monday about being second years and organising their exhibition. I hope I can help them feel as empowered as the 3rd years made me feel and that they have a blast. I started back at uni on Monday and I'm already feeling nervous and sad about leaving. I may not always have felt comfortable or happy there and I certainly haven't always done the right thing but the last two years have been so amazing I just have to remember to keep going forwards. I should put that on the list...